Dear Parents: Taking Sides :)

In continuation….

So here I was, just under 10 having to deal with a broken family that I still couldn’t stick together. You question your birth when you see your parents arguing. “Would they still be arguing if I wasn’t born”, these are actual normal questions more especially if you the only child and have no sibling to share the experience(s) with. It’s quite tricky, one minute I wanted siblings some days I didn’t.

There is a saying I once heard “somethings should stay in the bedroom” and in this instinct, I WISH THAT HAPPENED. It was rather awkward at times because I had no idea what the argument was about, I think that’s why I always wanted to study Psychology (even though it didn’t happen) but I feel like I have psychology skills within me. I wanted to work around the human brain, to see and analyse how thoughts form in somebody’s mind. Where do you look when they suddenly throw tantrums at each other, smile? wave? Was I supposed to run to my mother? my father? What was I supposed to do? Whose side should I have been on? It’s funny now, but it was sad when all of this was happening in front of me. Don’t get me wrong, I loved both I just didn’t like them when they were fighting. Maybe I should've written them a letter explaining to them how I really felt about their fights and them FORCING ME TO TAKE SIDES.

I don’t think parents know how much seeing them fight and argue hurts. It makes us feel very guilty. As much as they say, “it’s not your fault”, that doesn’t make us feel at ease we believe its our fault. I know no family is perfect, I SAW WITH MY PARENTS. And it’s only now I understand that term and they are gone so I had to try and shift my thinking of what I used to see in a positive way, by reaching out to a child that feels broken and is caught in between. That child that feels guilty about his/her parent’s everyday fights and arguments. The child that has no idea who to side with. It sucks, I know!

When I become a parent one day, That's a big maybe still. I will use my parents mistakes as a lesson. Remember I said nobody is perfect, but their mistakes will be my foundation phase of how I wouldn't want my child/ren to feel.